I went back to work full time (Media Specialist) and Peri began daycare full time. That was a little rough of a transition for me even though daycare is literally just steps away from Todd's desk. For the first time in my life, I felt like my heart was ripped in half. Looking back now, I remember dwelling on how by the time I would pick P up from daycare, we would have 3 maybe 4 hours before she would be in bed and another day just like that would begin so quickly. I would get so focused on how short of a time span that was to the point that when I was finally with her, I felt paralyzed watching the clock knowing her bedtime was coming and I wouldn't see her again until 4:00 the next day. Then I'd cry as I put her to sleep and worry that I wasn't being the best mom or wife or librarian or friend I could be because I felt so stretched.
I knew I had to get past that. I started thinking about how one day P would be in public school anyways, just like all the kids I teach. Their parents have to let go everyday and trust them with people like me. I started seeing my students in an entire new perspective. When kids were sad, I started giving them mom hugs because I hope that one day someone does the same for my girl. I can't always be with her. I stopped watching the clock. I put my phone down when we were together. I soaked in every single second that I was with her. I let go of my expectations. Failure is only what you perceive it to be in your mind. I also spoke up about it. I had to share how I felt with others rather than trying to look so "put together" all the time. By speaking up, I gained some great perspectives. While explaining how hard it was to leave each morning for work without seeing my baby, one fellow mother told me from her own experience that the opposite is just as hard. Her child is awake each day and hearing the words "mommy don't go" will certainly rip your heart to pieces. Another mom told me it never gets easier. And another fellow teacher mom teared up as she told me about how precious summers are together with your babies; how each year they are a little bit bigger and into new things but how wonderful it is that we have that advantage to be a stay at home mom for a few months each year.
These conversations helped me understand all moms are similar. We are all in this together. I'm not alone.
This tension of balancing all my life roles got better with time and was short lived, praise Jesus. I once heard on a podcast that being a parent means you have to adjust your routines every 6 months. This is so true and I hope I never forget that! The seasons of parenting are short lived so I really want to enjoy the journey in the here and now. If something sucks, I have to remind myself, it probably won't always be like this. Embrace the mess. But I did have to find a few shortcuts as working mom and be okay with letting go a little.
Harris Teeter online shopping became my best pal. Eating out is just fine, especially if that means my family is happy and fed. Bath times don't have to happen every night because sometimes extra quality time and snuggles are more important. When your friends have a late dinner party, your husband is working and you desperately need adult time, you just go (and make a pallet on the floor for your child because you forgot the pack n play; true life). Rising crazy early to spend time in God's word because that truth is what will sustain me throughout the day. Learning it is okay to be away from my baby, free of guilt, to take care of myself whether that is exercising or an occasional manicure. Not cleaning the house (gasp) as frequently as I used to. Saying no to things (this was a hard one for me). Ask other moms questions. I could go on and on seriously.
But I'll stop, for now. This year really has been wonderful. I'm thankful for our life of three and everything God is teaching me in the process. Some highlights for us have been:
-extended family vacations
-Per's 1st Christmas & 1st birthday
-starting and leading an eGroup
-Child dedication
-Todd turning 30
-celebrating 6 years of marriage
-a visit to Walt Disney World
For now, we plan to enjoy these slow summer days together as we gear up for another season that I'm sure will include new routines and adjustments. Shout out to my husband, Todd, the calm to my chaos that keeps me steady, loves us deeply and helps me out without ever complaining - I love you.
I hope to blog a little more. I always say that but it really does feel good to put life on
Follow my journey on Instagram at sara.c.davis for pictures and other daily shenanigans.
